Mountaintop Prescription For Identity Crisis
Who are you?
It’s the question my friend, the budding life coach, asked me during a girl’s fun get-a-way up on top of a mountain.
Seems simple, right?
The day before I was begging God to “Fix me. Strike me with a bolt of lightening, if you have to, God!”
I’ve been frustrated, aggravated with certain situations, disappointed in areas of my life, and in that I haven’t been so nice. Some people have one word for that. I choose to reveal the behavior as snappy, short in conversation, moody, distant in relationships at times, and selfish.
I’m just being real here, and very transparent.
If God could just fix my situations or fix me, I could stop feeling bad, stop sitting in my own condemnation and judgment of myself, and stop this vicious cycle. Ever feel that way too? If God could just fix your stuff, then life would be great, right?
Then I heard God’s faint voice in my spirit, “There’s nothing broken, and there is nothing left to fix in you.”
“Then why do I keep screwing up? Why am I in these situations that I keep failing? Why are my responses to others at times completely unacceptable?” I said.
I thought He’d say, “Because you are a sinner” or “Because you need deliverance” or “Because you live in a fallen world.” (All religious crap answers.)
Instead it was, “Because you’ve forgotten who you are.”
What? I thought about it for a few minutes, because certainly I didn’t come up with that. So I did what any good little Christian would do. I went to my bible and looked up scriptures about identity.
Child of God – John 1:12
Daughter – Eph 1:5
One with God – 1 Cor 6:17
Known – Jere 1:5
Chosen – 1 Peter 2:9
New Creation – 2 Cor 5:7
Friend – Eph 2:10
Blah, blah, blah, blah. I already know these God. This didn’t help—at all. Again, I’m being real, and maybe a tinge bitter.
Now back on the mountain my friend asks, “Who are you? Let’s take five minutes to write it down.”
I start to panic. Five minutes! That is a long time. I could cheat and read my list from the day before. Then I’d look smart because I have the scripture references too. I also have an “I am” statement that I wrote two years ago in my journal, that I obviously never practice. I can pull from that.
“This really shouldn’t be that hard,” I tell myself.
I am a wife, mother, daughter, girlfriend …
I started down the path of naming roles till I realized that has nothing to do with who I am. It’s just the role I play.
I can feel myself tearing up and getting anxious. I know this isn’t a test and there is no right or wrong, but when you realize that you really don’t know, you can see that perhaps God is right when he says, “You’ve forgotten who you are.”
So I write a list of positives and negatives, because at this moment this is how I feel about myself, and if I’m being real, I might as well let it all hang out.
Tired of going round the mountain
“Time’s up,” my friend says.
I read them out loud. Then my friend says, “Do you really believe this?”
I can feel myself tear-up. She has poked a tender spot. The reality is, it’s easy to say these things and you hope they are true, but at that moment I didn’t really believe a single one. Now the negative list, yes, I can believe those, and I think they are true because my emotions and thoughts say so.
And there is my answer. I’ve been letting my out-of-control, negative emotions and thoughts control who I am, because that is what I really believe about me. Therefore I act out what I believe about me. Ouch!
So now my actionable items from my friend are to be more specific about my negative attitudes. What do I feel “stuck” in for example, and then turn around those negative statements with positive ones.
Second, I am to write an “I am” statement(s) and say it everyday for 30 days. My girlfriends all put the date in their calendar so they can hold me accountable. (They have already texted to see if I’m doing it, and I am!)
Below are my statements. I’ve made a few modifications and I combined it with some things I want to do to, because I really want to see that in my life too. (I can’t help it. I’m a multi-tasker.) So I’m prophesying my future and my identity —the truth about me.
I am beautiful, kind-hearted, and generous.
I am wildly brilliant and intelligent beyond my studies.
I am a marketing genius.
I am a powerful woman of integrity and character who seeks truth.
I am a strategist who receives blueprints from heaven and executes answers for any challenges that come my way.
I am a traveller of the earth and realms beyond space and time. (because this one is fun.)
I am highly favored by God.
I am a creative storyteller that transforms the next generation through powerful, mind-set shattering, supernatural books and films.
I am positive and happy.
I am loved, and I love well.
And just like that, I found the help I needed. I didn’t get a bolt of lightening like I was begging for, nor did God “fix” me. He gave me a girl’s fun, get-a-way, and friends with a prescription to remind me of who I am. It’s going to take effort to stay in that place, because nothing worth having is easy to obtain. However, it is an easier road when you’re on it with good friends, and a mountaintop view along the way.
So my question to you is, “Who are you?”